BORNWAPS

Mine have changed throughout the years; not as many times as I’ve changed addresses, but, I used to think I was loyal, loving, hardworking, dedicated, caring…..values that are great….if you’re a zookeeper.

Throughout the years, my pals have often regarded me as a blazing fireball of transparency and leadership, holding me in high regard for my apparent integrity. Yet, amidst their admiration for my honesty, I couldn’t help but feel like a con artist. I never felt a true sense of belonging or connection with those principled words. Instead, it felt more akin to dishonesty. I’d smile, and say, “Really?” And then go back to stuffing the profound emptiness within, like that feeling when Netflix asks if you’re still there. It’s the void that no amount of binge-watching, or eating, or sex, or “I love yous” can fill.

Balancing on the precarious emotional seesaw was my specialty. One foot in trust, the other in suspicion, creating a deep sense of instability within me. Thrown in there, somewhere between great work ethic and empathy, so big, I’d bend over backward to save someone else – even if it meant I’d kill myself in the process – was loneliness. Loneliness, oh, the joy! They say you can feel lonely even in a crowd, and let me tell you, I’ve mastered that skill. Surrounded by people, drowning in their chatter and laughter, yet feeling as isolated as a tomato in a fruit salad. I tried to fit in, but it was like trying to wear a shoe two sizes too small – uncomfortable and definitely not a good look. I was the oddball, the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. It was like being stuck in a never-ending game of Pictionary, where no one could guess what the heck I was drawing.

Let’s not forget, the delightful, toxic relationships, and hollow friendships I attracted like a magnet. Ah, good times! The constant mantra playing in my head was, “You’re worthless, you’re nothing, and everything is your fault! After all, you’re just a tumbleweed.” Ah, the sweet sound of self-deprecation, reinforced by every failed relationship – who took part in the dance but denied enjoying it. It’s like having your very own internal stand-up comedian, performing 24/7, except it’s not funny at all. In essence, feeling lonely doesn’t even begin to cover the depths of my internal turmoil and self-loathing. It’s like being stuck in a never-ending loop of bad jokes.

But wait, there’s more! I had the amazing talent for pushing myself into the background, always being the wallflower. It wasn’t because of humility, oh no, it was because I believed my worth was tinier than a gummy bear. This belief was ingrained in me, since my first breath, like a tattoo, that no laser can remove. And the people around me? It was like being trapped in a funhouse of insecurities and self-doubt, where the mirrors only reflect your imperfections.

Oh, and let’s not forget about those heavenly moments when I tried to show my true self, like a piece of abstract art that no one understood. I would carefully step across the burning coals, to offer glimpses of my enigmatic personality, watching their reactions, like a cat watching a laser pointer. But alas, only one person ever managed to truly decode me. Others may have come close, but nobody ever quite grasped the full picture,and others got close, but then gave up. My fortress of solitude impenetrable, like the Wall of China, and yet, it’s been proven, also built out of Legos.

But hey, after some deep reflection and soul-searching, I realized that maybe others’ perceptions of me weren’t entirely inaccurate. I am a leader, like a boss, directing a group of penguins, in a synchronized swimming competition. And honesty? Oh boy, I’ve got that in spades. I can’t even lie convincingly about my love for pizza. So, instead of fearing these qualities, I’ve decided to embrace them like a koala hugging a eucalyptus tree. Instead of worrying about others, I’m gon’ worry about me, for a change.

You know what I’ve learned? It’s not about the labels, or the qualities we assign ourselves. It’s about the impact we make on others, like the ripple effect of throwing a watermelon into a swimming pool. It’s about living our lives in accordance with our values and principles, and trying to be the best versions of ourselves. And let’s not forget, life is not about being perfect, but about being true to ourselves, flaws and all.

So, with this newfound wisdom, I’m breaking free from my fortress of solitude and embracing the real me. I’m like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, ready to spread my vibrant wings and take on the world. And hey, if I stumble along the way or accidentally step on a banana peel, at least I’ll be true to myself while doing it. Cheers to self-improvement and personal growth, even if it means laughing at myself along the way!

After all that, the long answer is integrity, leadership, curiosity, empathy, humility, loyalty, grace, self-love, self-respect, self-trust. These are my core principles – today.